40 days

Being pregnant has made me think deeply and long and hard about Nora and everything she ever went through. I mean specifically the pain she endured.

The other night I was nauseous as I am most of the time these days but it was making me think about Nora. She threw up often and we never really knew why but we think she had nausea a lot. I felt awful for her and began to really wonder why she suffered. I felt awful that we put her through not just the nausea but the surgeries and everything else. We kept her alive artificially. Why? I know why. It was because she wanted the chance. She told me everyday she wanted to keep on fighting for a chance at this life. I knew while she was inutero that her death sentence of a diagnosis did not fit the baby's spirit. She was feisty and vivacious. She was not going down without a fight.

But still what she endured is so utterly heartbreaking. A lot of the pain she suffered was ironically exactly 40 days from the day she went for the second heart surgery until the day she died. The mistakes that were made caused her an inordinate amount of pain, the kind of pain that should be controllable, the kind that shouldn't be allowed, the kind of pain that you can't imagine. I can. I was there. It was terrible. So why Nora. Why pain? Why so much on someone so small and innocent?

The answer is elusive. I didn't quite get it until after she was gone. It is unexplainable really but I will try. Somehow in the depth of my soul I know that Nora's pain helped heal us and people that knew her and the world. I knew she accepted her pain with fortitude and courage and fearlessness. I saw the determination in her eyes when it came. I knew, you could feel it, that something great was going on. We couldn't see it but we could feel it. There was a peace at times of extreme pain that beyond explanation. Sometimes there was even a joy, a victory in her eyes while it was happening.
40 days of it. The irony is so uncanny. 40 days fasting in the desert. She did it for us.   

When the time came and the pain was too much. The suffering was too great, she let us know. We let her go. Life issues can get harried and complex. There is no room for judgement, only love. No one can say who should live and who should die. There is no right and wrong when it comes to these delicate situations. There is only what is. Nora always had the choice to live. It was always her decision. Good parents listen to their ill children and help them along as much as they can as long as the child says yes. Sometimes living does get too hard. Sometimes the pain is too great ... and I don't mean just physical pain. Sometimes there comes a point when we need to let go and say goodbye. These decisions are not easily made and this is not an area where there is much clarity. All I know is never judge another.

Nora and Baby Volker #3

I am pregnant due on Sep.29th. I like that it is the 29th. Nora was born and died on that date. Since we didn't try to get pregnant, we are still a bit confused as to how it all happened despite our knowledge of the birds and the bees, I do feel this is a bit of a serendipitous event. We feel grateful.

People ask me if I am scared or anxious. This baby does have an increased chance of having a congenital heart defect just because having any previous children with one increases your chance for future children having one. Essentially most women have a 1% chance of having a baby with a heart problem, I have a 10% chance. Then I think of Nora and the chances we would have had to have her with all her glory were minuscule ... like winning the lottery. It was like winning the lottery. She was the most amazing baby I have ever met. So am I worried? No. I am so excited. No matter what happens, we having a baby and that is just about the most precious thing that can happen to a person.

The only issue I deal with when I am pregnant is imaging my love for this child being as great as my love for my current children. When I was pregnant with Nora I questioned would there be room or enough love for another child. Hello. It only took like one second for that to go away ... from the second I first held her we were bonded mother and child for life in the most miraculous of ways. Instantaneous. So I know the same will happen with this little sprout. Instant love, what could be better?

Nora's been gone for more than six months. It is crazy how normal she still fits in with our life. Today we drove to Evie's dance and there was an eagle flying overhead. I asked Aaron to stop and he said don't worry it will come back. Sure enough, we drove to the other side of the river and there it was again, flying real low over our car. We all waved. Then I got to dance class and met a friend of a friend who I don't even know. She has a picture of Nora in her home that she sees everyday. She said it inspired her and she welled up with tears. My baby girl is blessing people I don't even know. Seriously how lucky can one mama get.

Dream School

I have been planning a school in my head for awhile now. We just found out that they switched our district to all day every day kindergarten from it being optional. I get it. There are parents out there who don't care enough to teach their children things at home and so for everyone to do better we need to start school earlier. I don't like it. I can't get over some of the hurdles in my brain.

Hurdle number one: Learning is best done between four walls.
I can't agree at all. Recess doesn't count as outdoor time either ... they are playing on plastic tires or imported sand not rolling in the grass and climbing trees. A little vitamin D yes, but I don't count it. Kids, at least some kids like mine, seem want to use their bodies and senses to explore and learn about this great big world and a classroom ... not condusive for that kind of learning. They need to be in nature a lot more than is allowed at a school.

Hurdle number two: The best way to increase performace is to increase the amount of time spent in school.
This is definitly not true. Put money into parent education and head start programs for those that need it. Don't make everyone suffer because some fall behind. It might sound heartless but it's not. Poverty and unfortunate circumstances are a reality for some people. Help them out and let their kids be in school longer. The children whose parents have time, education and money to expose their children to new experiences should be allowed the freedom to do so.

I will stop there for now on the issues I have with schools and start proposing my solutions.

Dream School:
Has no more than 15 kids in a classroom ever! Has no more than 200 kids at the school.
Has a garden that all the kids work in and eat from
Has a petting zoo that all the kids take care of
Has a baby daycare next to it-good for babies and children
Has an adult daycare next to it-good for old farts and for children. Why not have the wisdom right there.
Has a challenging academic curriculum. More will be accomplished in a shorter period of time with smaller class sizes and kids that are not bored.

There is a lot more to it but I think that is a good start. If schools looked like this I don't think I would mind all day every kindergarten but until then, I mind.
Let me know what you think!

Molly

ps: I think I have found ways to pay for all this too ... :)

Long time no blog ...

I think part of the reason I haven't posted on here is I have too much to say and I can't narrow my thoughts. So instead of not commenting at all I will share all the things I have been thinking about of late and I would welcome comments and insights ... I love dialogue ... maybe that is why I am not a huge fan of the one sided blog.

My list:
1. Mary Magdelene ... her role, importance (or lack there of) in the catholic church
2. Mental health issues amongst women especially depression & anxiety - I would like to think in some cases the anecdotes to these issues are more self-love(ignoring persistant media images) and more girlfriend time, just gabbing. There is a place for medication but I do think maybe talk therapy is just not readily available. I am not sure though.
3. The overall importance of having girlfriends ... I love my girls and I don't think I would be alive or well without them.
4. Eating healthy and by that I don't mean low fat. I mean low chemical. I love my half and half especially if it is organic.
5. Poverty and what it means in the modern world ... Jesus talks a lot about the poor. What is our role in poverty. I am working on detachment from material possessions and minimalism goes hand and hand with that. Should I also feed and clothe the poor and how do I do that?
6. Cancer ... I hate it. I want to prevent it but it seems so overwhelming. I did research this topic for a month straight full time and I still want to know more.
7. Politics. I used to be very political but lately I prefer thinking about effectuating change in non political ways. I have a general mistrust of governments in general ... taught too much history I guess.
8. School systems. what works, what doesn't. So much to change ...  I want to start a charter school but I am very overwhelmed by it right now.

Those are the main things I am studying right now other than working for my brother, writing about Nora in her book, and caring for my family.
Weigh in on any of these if you will.

The only other comment is I really wanted to put pics and videos on here but I haven't found the time to figure out how ... my apologies!
Mols

What's wrong with the last 2000 yrs?

Women haven't had a role in society until now finally we are beginning to be heard. What is wrong with this? Besides the issue of all too common abuse and mistreatment that still prevails today (Read "Half the Sky" if you don't know what I'm talking about) there are a number of ailments that have been caused by the missing feminine.
1. This may be a surprise but one of the problems with having no female influence has been that men are loney. Because women have not been allowed equal status, men have only had unequal partners which makes them unsatisfied. This has caused them of world of making up for what has been lost with war and acts of violence and other disgusting displays of "power."
2. Since I am on the subject of power I will continue along this thought. According to Joseph Nye in his TED presentation there are three types of power and I agree with them. One is coersive, one is to buy it, and the last and most over looked form of power is soft power ... persuation. If we allowed more female influence, we would be better at this form of debate in the world's political arena. This is proven with Hillary Clinton's new intiative to utilize women in debating peace strategy with other countries. I hope it works, maybe it will wake us up a bit more.
3. Women have been unsatisfied in relationships and still feel objectified to the point of killing themselves over snide comments about their appearance. If women were truly cherished on the whole as we should be, women would not obsess over it like they do now. Emphasis on the female form only as opposed to the feminie mystique and the sensual allure women can have has damaged women to the point that one third of women have eating disorders of some kind at one point in their life.
There are many more but at the risk of over doing it I will stop.
My only point is if we as a culture truly embraced women and valued them for all the gifts they bring to the table, men and women would be much happier. You definitly see it more often than you used to (watch Mad Men if you don't believe me) but it still needs a lot of work (pick up a Cosmo if you don't see it). For the sake of men and women, let's wrap our arms around each other in full true appreciation of who we are including our differences, as challenging as that may be.
This is a developing thought I am having and am very open to comments. Like what is the cause? Solutions? Is it getting better? etc...
Cheers!

Winter

The cold has settled in for a long winter's nap over Minnesota. I really ... trying to think of a word besides despise and hate here ... really prefer warmth. I mean at least 30 degrees or higher. I am a reasonable woman, right? So what happens every winter is I get lathargic. I gain 10 pounds during the first cold fall month and keep it all winter only to lose it quickly in the spring when it starts to warm up. This winter my goal is to not gain more than in the past. I already accomplished the 10 and feel headed down a slippery slope of tired, lack lustre, mediocrity. I am going to allow myself some of this. After all I lost a child less than three months ago but I do know I need to be careful. When mental illness affects the number of people it does, 1:3, you can never be too careful.
Things I am doing to prevent further spiraling down?
1. Yoga ... at least I think I am.
2. Attending community ed classes ... took one last night on social marketing
3. Reading a lot. I love a good book! They make me excited about life.
4. Cooking with a ton of vegetables and avoiding comfort foods as much as possible except when I need an exception
5. Focusing on Aaron and Evie, they need me besides they are pretty funny and cute.

I recently heard about two girls who killed themselves both 14 years old. It makes me so sad for them and their families. How can people get to be that sad and that lonely? I know one was a result of bullying and I don't know about the other, I think it was chemical imbalance which is tricky. We have an obligation to make sure the people around us are ok. It matters. A lot.

I am ok. A little fatter than I like to be but really, I am ok.
Thanks for checking in on me!

Transition

Since Nora died I don't really like to say she died or she passed away as if she no longer exists somehow. I instead like the word transitioned or words transitioned home. I do feel like our real home is "heaven" and we are just visitors here learning, teaching, helping, growing in whatever way we are meant to. I feel like Nora's purpose what to teach us how to live and to inspire anyone that hears about her to be a more loving being.  I don't know what my purpose it yet ... it will unfold in time.

It is weird how much I know Nora still exists and how close she is to us still. I see sparks of light often, it is her. Just this morning I saw a little spark while Evie was playing "cave." I use my legs to prop up the blankets in bed so it is like a cave and she plays under the covers with her favorite animals and such. Not two seconds after I saw the spark Evie said, "Nora just tickled my tummy." About a week ago I asked Evie if she sees Nora and she sayed, "Yes. She wakes me up and tickles my tummy." She also says she sees Nora in natural objects like trees and rocks. I was feeling particularly sad last week for a couple days. I was missing her so badly one morning I begged her to let me see her. Then later in the day I was driving to the St. Cloud mall in the middle of the city. I looked up and there was a low flying bald eagle circling my car. I looked up and the eagle was looking right at me. I waved to her. Then it disappeared ...

She is with us inspiring, supporting, protecting, encouraging, and loving us.  I really can't wait to see her again but right now I know my purpose is not completed and she is with me whether I can see her or not.