Ok. I know I am a huge nerd, I just love conspiracy theory. I can't help it. When I heard about Judgement Day on May 21, I got a little excited. I love it when the crazies come out with something new. Sheer entertainment that feels a little real. Love that stuff.
So let's just imagine for one second that there is such a thing as the rapture and it will happen tomorrow. Then imagine what it would be like to be judged by God. That doesn't even sound right. Judged by God. I mean aren't we not supposed to judge each other and isn't God an all loving and forgiving God. I don't see God as a judge. So it all sounds wrong to me right from the beginning. I think if there were such a thing it might look a little more like a life review. God and I chilling with a bowl of popcorn checking out all the stuff that went on while I was here in creation. So like what I did that helped others and what I did that hurt others. What were the long range ramification of my actions.
I once read about a woman who had a near death experience and she saw all the consequences of her actions. So like she buys a shirt at the store ... Who made the shirt? What was there life like? Were they paid a fair wage? Did they have a family that was hurt by this person's shirt making job? What about all the plastic we use that will never decompose ever? What about buying food that was made with GMOs that hurt farmers and the soil? What about everything that we buy that is shipped or transported and causes carbon emissions that hurt our Mother? Maybe our famous and praised "buying power" will turn into a curse in the end... All the preachers that say if you are rich that is God blessing you. How did those people get rich? Were their workers paid a fair wage? Were they loving God's earth and creation by protecting our natural resources? Were they being responsible and honest with other people's money? This really made me think. What does it mean to be a loving human? Maybe a whole lot more than I originally thought. It may not be enough to just be nice to people. To love the earth and its inhabitants means so much more than many of us are ready for. No one is perfect, most certainly not me. But I do try so I hope that if there is a Judgement day some time I hope God sees that I tried.
Interestingly enough Sinead O'Connor's song "Nothing Compares to You" has been going through my head nonstop since Nora died. I just found out today she wrote it after her son died. It fits with the feelings of a mother experiencing loss of that magnitude.
The reason I think of it often is because it is true. That amazing joy, the bright light, the exceptional spirit Nora brought is gone and there is nothing like it.
I wonder why it is that anytime I tell someone we are pregnant, like the doctor today, I quickly quip "But it wasn't planned. It was a huge surprise." I think maybe I want them to know I am not trying to replace Nora. I am almost embarrassed that we are having another baby. I don't know why. I feel like we are trying to replace her even though we didn't try. In the depths of my soul I know we are supposed to have this baby. S(he) is a gift like all children are. I just struggle.
Here's the story though that gives me comfort:
I was driving home from the airport at midnight. I had just been working in LA and had had a wonderful successful time. On the trip I had kind of decided I was going to open an Educational Consulting business and try for my charter school full time. I had decided that we weren't going to have more kids because I was going to spend the rest of my life doing great things for others in the name of Nora and all she gave us. Then on my drive I had a huge breakdown. I cried the whole way home. I begged Nora for something. I told her I wasn't ok. I told her I needed her back. I told her life was nothing without her. I just begged her to do something about this gaping hole in my heart. I did this for an hour and a half. The next day I found out we were pregnant. So this baby is the balm for my soul. It is the gift Nora gave me. I am grateful despite all my other feelings.
Precious Nora,
I miss you everyday and every second. Part of my soul feels missing since you have been gone. I will never forget you and you will always be in my heart. Thank you for taking care of our family. I can't wait to see what a great guardian angel you will be and have been for this child growing inside me. I couldn't ask for a better guardian.
Love you,
Mommy
