Nothing Compares to You

Interestingly enough Sinead O'Connor's song "Nothing Compares to You" has been going through my head nonstop since Nora died. I just found out today she wrote it after her son died. It fits with the feelings of a mother experiencing loss of that magnitude.
The reason I think of it often is because it is true. That amazing joy, the bright light, the exceptional spirit Nora brought is gone and there is nothing like it.
I wonder why it is that anytime I tell someone we are pregnant, like the doctor today, I quickly quip "But it wasn't planned. It was a huge surprise." I think maybe I want them to know I am not trying to replace Nora. I am almost embarrassed that we are having another baby. I don't know why. I feel like we are trying to replace her even though we didn't try. In the depths of my soul I know we are supposed to have this baby. S(he) is a gift like all children are. I just struggle.
Here's the story though that gives me comfort:
I was driving home from the airport at midnight. I had just been working in LA and had had a wonderful successful time. On the trip I had kind of decided I was going to open an Educational Consulting business and try for my charter school full time. I had decided that we weren't going to have more kids because I was going to spend the rest of my life doing great things for others in the name of Nora and all she gave us. Then on my drive I had a huge breakdown. I cried the whole way home. I begged Nora for something. I told her I wasn't ok. I told her I needed her back. I told her life was nothing without her. I just begged her to do something about this gaping hole in my heart. I did this for an hour and a half. The next day I found out we were pregnant. So this baby is the balm for my soul. It is the gift Nora gave me. I am grateful despite all my other feelings.
Precious Nora,
I miss you everyday and every second. Part of my soul feels missing since you have been gone. I will never forget you and you will always be in my heart. Thank you for taking care of our family. I can't wait to see what a great guardian angel you will be and have been for this child growing inside me. I couldn't ask for a better guardian.
Love you,
Mommy