I have a heard and experienced states of grace. Those are the times in which you should be pulling your hair out but by some miracle you are not. Well sometimes those comforting times wax and wane. When Nora first died and for a long time after there was a lot of grace to handle the pain. I don't know if it is the pregnancy hormones surging through my body or the fact I can't decompress with a glass of wine or f it has just been long enough that I am beginning to feel Nora slipping away, but these days have been hard. I know I can write bravely about my feeling and meaning and purpose and I know all of it to be true but sometimes the rubber hits the road and it hurts.
When Nora died it was like the wind got knocked out of me and I was stunned. Now it is like I can't breathe. Waking up is hard, going to bed is hard, not to mention everything else in between. It is not just hard it is almost impossible. There is joy in small things but it is fast fleeting. This pregnancy as wonderful as it is truly is an emotional mine field to maneuver as well.
This is just a valley, there will be more mountains again. I will survive this season. We will survive this season. It just plain hurts these days.
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